I just passed my 90 day CT scan. Now I go back in 6 months. This is a good sign and I hope to continue to be cancer free. Now the paps and ct scans will be every 6 months for awhile.

Today I went to the Doctors and got the word that I am clear of Cancer! Wow it was good to hear those words. I will still have follow up appointments to make sure I stay cancer free. It has been a long hard road. I now can start to recover financialy as well as emotionaly. My family can to. Cancer for us was a family illness and it has taken a toll. The relief in my husbands voice, and the look on his face brought tears to my eyes. I am anxious about returning to work. I am a little scared about this . I hope I do well and can pick up the job again. Wish me luck! 

 It looks like I am slowly getting done with all of this. I am not 100% sure yet. But I have my ct-scan with cancer markers this week. I hope it will show that I am cancer free. I have my fingers crossed...lol

I thought I was getting to the end of all of this. I guess you could say I was naive. I went to the Doctors for what they told me was a routine check up. Well next thing I know I am getting a call telling me I have questionable cells on my PAP. My heart dropped! These were the same words I heard from the Doctor when they told me I had cancer. Does this mean its back, never went away even after 6 months of chemo. Or  because of the radiation the cells look changed. What! Now I have to get another PAP , and other tests. I am how can I say this, I am greatful to have the Doctors looking at this so close. Getting the tests that I need. But I wanted to be done. They the Doctors told me oh you are going to be over with this. All of this is just precautionary, we think you will have a full recovery and so on. I would rather they have said stright out. We are doing our best but there is no guarentee. I knew that there could be a chance of that, But why did they have to get my hopes up. This still could come out good. I am scared. I guess this is the best way to let people know just how I feel. I understand that all of us going through this feels this way. I often wonder if there is more for me to learn from all of this. If so I hope to do that, and be able to move on.

 I am getting to the end of all of this. This isnt to mention that I will not have the check ups I will need. It means the radiation and chemotherapy is over, I hope. I still have to have a cat scan with cancer markers and a colonoscopy. I hope that these tests will come back clear. In the back of my mind is when this all started all the doctors kept telling me no you dont have cancer, we will just give you these hormones and all will be fine. This did not happen. I had cancer. Deep down I knew I had cancer. I had to push to get the tests I needed to prove this. I feel lucky. It is a strange feeling in your gut that tells you over and over something is wrong. The persistence of this voice deep inside drives you on until you  get the help you know you need. Now I am a little gun shy. I dont want to make a mistake by not being careful, but I also do not want to be over protective that I worry myself to much. I want to get back to work and a more normal life. Thats not to say I also want to do what is best for my body. Give myself time to heal , but also want to make sure I still have a job to live. It is a wonder that we have to think of all of this while going through cancer and all that goes with this. I just hope I make the right choices for me and my family. After all thats all we can do.

 I am waiting on tests. I need to get a colooscopy, and get pet scans. I also have my sixth month female tests coming up. These tests will tell the tale. I am still weak and I tire easily. But I am slowly getting better. My legs and feet still have pain. So who knows. I fell anxiuos about the results of these tests, and where my life is going from this point forward. It is complicated and full of doubts.

I would like to wish everyone a wonderful Halloween and good health.

 I am not feeling well. I am tired, I hurt so bad. My joints and bones hurt. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. The numbness in my hands and legs bothers me. I feel depressed. Yet I am telling myself I need to be positive , yet I am finding it hard today. I guess we all have these days. I am not getting any help with insurance help, money and I am scared. I am just venting here so please dont mind. It helps to whine. One day this will pass , I wont worry about the cancer or a job or the cost. What this has done to the people I love . I will be healed and be able to have a good job and nice life. I wont be tired or scared. I know we all go through this. I can tell be the stories I read. You would think when we need help the most we would be able to find it. But that doesnt seem to be the case.  I hope we all make it our own way, and that we all find comfort. I pray each day that things get better , not just for me but for many others out there who may have less than I do. Please God protect those who need you most, walk with the ones who are alone, and please let us all know your grace. Amen

 I had my last chemotherapy, it lasted a little over 8 hours. Boy was I tired after that. The nausea and vommiting was horrible this time around, even with medications. But today it is a little better. I now am going in for the Neulasta shot. After that I get set up for a colonoscopy and Pet scan. I also have to get this anemia worked out. I am always so tired. Some days I find it so hard just to get out of bed. My doctor assures me this will pass and has me on mrdications for this. She has also decided to keep me off work for a while longer. You worry about not taking enough time to heal, and you worry about taking to much that you loose your job. I guess everyone here has had these questions.

The stress with money doesnt help nor does the stress with family. They are wonderful and when you see your husbands stress and worry you worry over him. As for the rest of the family I have ups and downs. My Father came to visit that was awesome. He came with my Uncle Don, they were both sweet nice and full of life. It was sad to see them go 3 days was such a short time.But then there is my mother in law, I know she doesnt mean the things she says, but it hurts. On her defence she has dementia. But she tells me I am ugly now, not worth anything and I blame everything on chemotherapy. She tells me if she had a knife she would stab my dog and why cant we all just leave her alone. I hear she is this way with certain other family members. What a shame.

Well now I wait to see if I get the all clear back. I hope all these tests I am about to take are negitive for cancer. I just want to be done. Get some sort of a normal life back. Get to work and start putting my finances back on the good side. Everything is possible, may god grant me this. I pray all the people going through this have this to. hugs to all Pat

 I just went in for more chemotherapy after a required break. I am not feeling to well have bone pain from the Neulasta shot. I also went and got the flu shot and am on the list for the swine flu shot. I need to get more blood tests to make sure the levels are ok. They have been running very low.

Money is very tight and stress is high. We have family obligations that are taking a huge toll on us. My husband is always angry and up-set. He tells me often one day its just going to be about him, what he wants to do and to heck with the rest of us. That we have two ares and legs we can get our own things done. Get to our own appointments take care of ourselves. I tell him I love him. He asks me if it is for assurance that I want to hear him say it back.

I guess we have good days and bad days. I feel I am trying to help as much as I can. But it doesnt seem to be enough. Rick I beleive feels the same way and overwhelmed. He also has his Mothers illness to tend to . We have turned ourselves in side out for this. Both of us. But I do not know where this will end or what in the end this will cost us as a couple. I am scared. But all of us in our lives going through something like this has issues we have to deal with and handle the best we can. I pray to god that we pull through this together stronger, not broken...

 I went for another doctors visit. Once again the chemotherapy treatments have been put on hold. My blood work is still low , so before they decide to give me a transfusion, they want to wait a few days and do another blood count. Then they will decide what direction to go. I also have developed neuropathy. The doctor hopes this will get better over time. When I start the chemotherapy again my medications will be changed. I am looking at this time as time to get stronger so I can finish chemotherapy and live a long full happy life. Keeping positive isnt always easy , but it is nessesary for me.

 My chemotherapy is being delayed due to complications. My blood counts are low and I have developed neuropathy. My doctor does not want to do more damage. She feels this is the best cource to take at this time. I had a very long talk with her , my husband and I also feel this is a good idea for me. I have been put on other medicines too. After my next doctors visit I will be re-evaluated. When I am well enough to continue chemotherapy, they will change the one taxol to another chemotherapy drug , and I will finish. Once this is done I guess I will get a colonoscopy and a Pet scan.

 I have noticed some changes. I will talk to my doctor about this. My legs are numb. My feet and hands too. My feet and hands are cold, and my feet are blue sometimes. I get sick more often but have not lost alot of weight. I think I will have to get my medicines adjusted. I am very emotional but cant seem to help it. I cry alot, and I am so weak and tired. I have alot of pain in my hips that wakes me up at night. I feel like I am loosing my mind. I am not who I used to be. In some ways I am stronger and others so much weaker. I feel like a burden, I want to be more. I look at the stress I feel I have caused. I cant help or change it. It makes me feel so sad . I pray alot and ask for help to help my loved ones to make sure they are healthy and happy. I too want this for myself, and have faith it will happen. It is hard to go through this. To be the one with cancer or to be the care giver. The stress never ends. The stress of the appointments , treatments, money, family and to many more to mention. I do not know where the strength comes from , but we find it and trudge along on a pace set in motion when this all began.

 I have had my 4th chemotherapy treatment. I am very weak  and tired. My blood counts are low and I might have to get a transfusion. I am fighting with the insurance company to get benifits It never seems to end. However I am keeping myself as positive as I can. I have help from my husband and he has been a god send. This from what I understand from talking to others where I get the treatments is normal. They are going through the same things. So I am just getting things done when I can.  All the paper work can drive you nuts. It seems when you , a person is at their most vulnerable we get alot of run arounds. But that too is the way it is. We do the best we can and hope we have done enough to get things going.  find all the people I talk to , who are going through this feel like I do. We are fed up , and are still working to get the right paper work done. Will this ever get easier? I wonder....

 I have 3 chemotherapry treatments behind me. Each one feels like it lasts forever, but they only last 8 hours. After the chemotherapy I get a Nuelasta shot. This does make your whole body hurt. I am looking at getting a transfusion due to my low red blood counts. They tell me this is normal.I am looking forward to getting this done . I am now half way through this . After I get done with chemotherapy I will get a Pet scan and colonoscopy. This will all be done to make sure I am clean. This all has taken a toll on our finances as you all well know, and our lives. I guess all of us in this boat understand this better than anyone else just how emtional all this can be. The fear , stress, tiredness, and other emtional ups and downs all play into this.We dont give up that is not an option. We do what we have to do. All of us. I have found in my case I can not count on family like they said I could. I am not going to let this hurt me. I am going to grow from this! I dont think they owe me. I felt if they said if you need someone to talk to I will be there . I took them at their word, and found that not to be the case. But they too have things going on in their lives that take them off balance.Sometimes we have to step back and just try to understand. This is not easy for me. I have to admit! I know that I am going to make it through this, however it is to be . I hope with all my heart all the people I love are ok and heal also. I guess when I watch these incredable people I see wonderful things in them. I see that they too have stress over this. They are scared and feel helpless. All we can do is go through each step the Doctors say . Work slowly through this and beleive we are going to be ok.

 I worry about the stress my Husband is under. At the beginning family said they would help, but each time we have called they are busy. So everything falls on my husband . He tells me he wants to be there. But I worry he needs a break. I try to get him to go out for a few hours just to get away and relax. But he doesnt. He also has his hands full with his Mother, she has dementia. I can see the stress this is having on him. We talk and try to keep our lives in balance, yet I want him to have an outlet that he can and will do. I guess I just worry about him. It helps me to write about all of this , This is my way of getting my stress out.