I am waiting on tests. I need to get a colooscopy, and get pet scans. I also have my sixth month female tests coming up. These tests will tell the tale. I am still weak and I tire easily. But I am slowly getting better. My legs and feet still have pain. So who knows. I fell anxiuos about the results of these tests, and where my life is going from this point forward. It is complicated and full of doubts.

I would like to wish everyone a wonderful Halloween and good health.

 I am not feeling well. I am tired, I hurt so bad. My joints and bones hurt. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. The numbness in my hands and legs bothers me. I feel depressed. Yet I am telling myself I need to be positive , yet I am finding it hard today. I guess we all have these days. I am not getting any help with insurance help, money and I am scared. I am just venting here so please dont mind. It helps to whine. One day this will pass , I wont worry about the cancer or a job or the cost. What this has done to the people I love . I will be healed and be able to have a good job and nice life. I wont be tired or scared. I know we all go through this. I can tell be the stories I read. You would think when we need help the most we would be able to find it. But that doesnt seem to be the case.  I hope we all make it our own way, and that we all find comfort. I pray each day that things get better , not just for me but for many others out there who may have less than I do. Please God protect those who need you most, walk with the ones who are alone, and please let us all know your grace. Amen

 I had my last chemotherapy, it lasted a little over 8 hours. Boy was I tired after that. The nausea and vommiting was horrible this time around, even with medications. But today it is a little better. I now am going in for the Neulasta shot. After that I get set up for a colonoscopy and Pet scan. I also have to get this anemia worked out. I am always so tired. Some days I find it so hard just to get out of bed. My doctor assures me this will pass and has me on mrdications for this. She has also decided to keep me off work for a while longer. You worry about not taking enough time to heal, and you worry about taking to much that you loose your job. I guess everyone here has had these questions.

The stress with money doesnt help nor does the stress with family. They are wonderful and when you see your husbands stress and worry you worry over him. As for the rest of the family I have ups and downs. My Father came to visit that was awesome. He came with my Uncle Don, they were both sweet nice and full of life. It was sad to see them go 3 days was such a short time.But then there is my mother in law, I know she doesnt mean the things she says, but it hurts. On her defence she has dementia. But she tells me I am ugly now, not worth anything and I blame everything on chemotherapy. She tells me if she had a knife she would stab my dog and why cant we all just leave her alone. I hear she is this way with certain other family members. What a shame.

Well now I wait to see if I get the all clear back. I hope all these tests I am about to take are negitive for cancer. I just want to be done. Get some sort of a normal life back. Get to work and start putting my finances back on the good side. Everything is possible, may god grant me this. I pray all the people going through this have this to. hugs to all Pat

 I just went in for more chemotherapy after a required break. I am not feeling to well have bone pain from the Neulasta shot. I also went and got the flu shot and am on the list for the swine flu shot. I need to get more blood tests to make sure the levels are ok. They have been running very low.

Money is very tight and stress is high. We have family obligations that are taking a huge toll on us. My husband is always angry and up-set. He tells me often one day its just going to be about him, what he wants to do and to heck with the rest of us. That we have two ares and legs we can get our own things done. Get to our own appointments take care of ourselves. I tell him I love him. He asks me if it is for assurance that I want to hear him say it back.

I guess we have good days and bad days. I feel I am trying to help as much as I can. But it doesnt seem to be enough. Rick I beleive feels the same way and overwhelmed. He also has his Mothers illness to tend to . We have turned ourselves in side out for this. Both of us. But I do not know where this will end or what in the end this will cost us as a couple. I am scared. But all of us in our lives going through something like this has issues we have to deal with and handle the best we can. I pray to god that we pull through this together stronger, not broken...

 I went for another doctors visit. Once again the chemotherapy treatments have been put on hold. My blood work is still low , so before they decide to give me a transfusion, they want to wait a few days and do another blood count. Then they will decide what direction to go. I also have developed neuropathy. The doctor hopes this will get better over time. When I start the chemotherapy again my medications will be changed. I am looking at this time as time to get stronger so I can finish chemotherapy and live a long full happy life. Keeping positive isnt always easy , but it is nessesary for me.