Some people have trouble talking about what they feel or need, or may even have trouble knowing what they feel. Perhaps these people have always seen themselves as the stoic backbones of their families or as nurturers who took care of others without asking anything for themselves. Or they may be people who cherish their personal independence and self-reliance.
When dealing with cancer, it is critical to ask for what you need from people you trust. Seeking and receiving support isn't a sign of weakness. Indeed, it may be one of the most important steps you can take toward strengthening your ability to heal. Connection with others is a critical part of the healing process. When a person isolates himself and withdraws, it makes the whole experience more painful both for him and those who love him.
If you are dealing with cancer, your spouse, friends, or family are undoubtedly also struggling with concerns about your illness. Letting the people closest to you know what you need gives them an opportunity to offer meaningful help instead of just worrying. It's important for them to understand what you're experiencing so they'll be more tuned in to you and what your abilities, preferences, and concerns might be at any given time.
Find a quiet time to talk with your loved ones. It's often helpful to jot down notes as you think of things you might want or need to discuss, and keep a list to remind you when you sit down to have a conversation. The conversation can be short and simple. Be specific about the help you would like at that time. You might say, for example:
- "I'm too exhausted to go to the market. Could you buy groceries for the next few days?"
- "Evening visits aren't good for me. It would be great if you could stop by at lunchtime or on a weekend afternoon."
- "I miss holding and touching you. Can you give me a hug?"
- "I feel anxious when I'm at the doctor's office.Would you be able to come with me?"
Your physical and emotional needs may change from day to day, so feel free to return to these conversations as you go forward.
Talk with your health care team as well. Your doctors and nurses need to know when you're having pain, suffering fatigue, feeling depressed or worried, or if anything else is bothering you. Be open with the dietitians, pharmacists, social workers, psychologists, and others involved in your treatment. They can help you find solutions for particular problems or concerns.
Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others who've experienced what you're going through can be an enormous help. Talk with other people who have personal experience with cancer, either privately or in a group setting. These kinds of opportunities and resources are available no matter where you live. Most cities have support groups offered by a variety of organizations. Many of them are designed to meet the specific needs of people with different kinds of cancer.
If you can't or don't want to meet in person with other people, consider connecting with others through the online communities at Caring4Cancer.com, or at other sites.
Talking with a counselor can also help you sort through the many emotions you're experiencing, develop effective ways to be open about your needs, and find healthy and supportive ways to have your needs met. Many people facing cancer discover whole new dimensions of themselves when they get help to deal with the emotions and issues that arise during the cancer journey.
Couples may also often find it helpful to go to counseling together. A wide range of professional counselors—psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and clergy and spiritual advisors—can support you throughout treatment and beyond. Seek references for counseling professionals from other cancer patients, local support organizations, hospitals, or your own health care team.