Helping Teens Who Are Grieving

Key Points

• As teens grow and develop, they change the way they think about and express grief. Although each teen is different, there are some common developmental changes in thinking that occur during the early, middle, and late teenage years.
• Listen and watch for opportunities. If you listen closely when a teen is talking and watch his or her behavior, you may find openings to talk about your own feelings. This often helps the teen who is grieving.
• Don't force a teen to talk about his or her feelings. If you keep an open, nonjudgmental attitude and make it clear that you are willing to listen, he or she will talk when ready.
• Make time to listen to a teen who wants to talk. When a teen wants to talk, seize the moment and give him or her your undivided attention. This will let the teen know that he or she is important and that grieving is important.
  

What's different about teens who are grieving?
Teens express their grief differently depending on their age and emotional maturity. The teen years can be roughly divided into three developmental phases: the early, middle, and late teen years. These age groups generally have differing responses to grief.

• The early teen years (ages 12 [preteen] to 14) are a time when teens search for the answer to the question, "Am I OK?" At this phase, teens are very concerned about fitting in and often act as if there is an imaginary audience watching everything they do. These teens may feel ill at ease when expressing grief. Since they usually are not concerned about what other people think unless it relates directly to them, they may have a very difficult time understanding another person's reaction to loss if it is not the same as theirs.
• The middle teen years (ages 14 to 16) are a time when teens believe that they are indestructible and that bad things won't happen to them. They cannot imagine their own death and often think they will live forever. These teens may express their grief by taking unhealthy risks, such as driving too fast or drinking alcohol.
• The late teen years (ages 16 to 18) are a time when teens search for meaningful relationships. These teens are better able to understand complex relationships and are more interested in another person's point of view. They have a better understanding of others' thoughts and feelings. Teens of this age grieve much as adults do.
  

Because teens are concerned about fitting in and not calling attention to themselves, they sometimes feel awkward talking about their feelings. They may worry about what other people think about them. In addition, because teens are searching for their own values and beliefs, they are often uncomfortable talking about their feelings with adults. They may worry that adults will try to give them answers and not listen to how they feel.

To help a grieving teen, listen carefully and watch his or her behavior. Ask how he or she feels, but do not press the teen to talk until he or she is ready. Listen attentively when the teen chooses to talk about his or her feelings, and express empathy (e.g., "I can see how you would feel that way.")

Why does a teen who is grieving need help?
The way adults help teens express their feelings often lays the foundation for how they will view loss and grief, and express their feelings about this, as adults. It is important to help teens grieve because even though they often act like adults, they are still developing emotionally. They need guidance to help them understand themselves, and to resolve their problems and challenges.

How can I help a teen who is grieving?

• Let them react to the loss in their  own way. Some teens are naturally quiet and may need to express their grief in private. Some feel so frustrated and helpless that they may react strongly, even showing intense rage. They may need reassurance that their intense feelings are normal reactions to a stressful situation.
• Allow them to question. Teens who experience loss often question the meaning of life, what happens after death, why tragedy occurs, and why bad things happen to good people. You can help your teen by allowing him or her to ask questions.
• Give them time to adjust to a loss. Teens vary in their ability to adjust to major changes, including losses in their lives.
• Reassure them that grieving is normal. They may need reassurance that the sadness and other feelings of grief will lessen over time.
• Set reasonable limits on your teen's behavior. When a major loss occurs in a teen's life, rebellious behaviors may become more dramatic. Be firm and clear about your expectations while letting them know that their feelings are normal and understandable.
  

Additional Resources

Organizations

Hospice Association of America
228 Seventh Street, S.E.
Washington, DC 20003
Phone: (202) 546-4759
Fax: (202) 547-9559

The Hospice Association of America (HAA) seeks to heighten the public visibility of hospice services. HAA offers a number of helpful, practical publications for people who are considering a hospice, including consumer guides, fact sheets, historical perspectives, and other background information. The website offers information from the legislative, regulatory, research, legal, and public relations departments, including "Hospice Facts and Statistics."

National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization
1700 Diagonal Road
Suite 625
Alexandria, VA 22314
Phone: (800) 658-8898, (703) 837-1500
Fax: (703) 837-1233

The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO) offers information on local hospice and palliative care programs across America. NHPCO is committed to improving end-of-life care and expanding access to hospice care with the goal of improving quality of life for dying people and their loved ones.

Support Groups

Rainbows
2100 Golf Road
Suite 370
Rolling Meadows, IL 60008-4231
Phone: (800) 266-3206, (847) 952-1770
Fax: (847) 952-1774
E-mail: info@rainbows.org

Rainbows is an international organization that offers peer support for children and adults who are grieving a death, divorce, or other painful transition in their families. Groups are led by trained adults. This organization provides an online newsletter, information, and referrals.

The Wellness Community
919 18th Street, NW
Suite 54
Washington, DC 20006
Phone: 202-659-9709
Toll-free phone: 888-793-WELL
Fax: 202-659-9301
www.thewellnesscommunity.org

The Wellness Community is an international, nonprofit organization dedicated to helping people affected by cancer regain a sense of control, reduce isolation, and restore hope regardless of the stage of their disease. It offers professionally led, free of charge support programs, educational workshops, nutrition and exercise programs, and stress reduction classes in cities and towns across the United States, abroad, and online. There 22 Wellness Community facilities in the United States, plus 56 satellite and off-site programs, two centers abroad in Tel Aviv and Tokyo, and online at the Virtual Wellness Community at www.thewellnesscommunity.org.